quotes that make me laugh!

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
-Johnny Carson

"Cómo frijoles? (Spanish for 'how have you bean?')
-unknown

"Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "storms suck!"
-Johnny Carson

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
-Johnny Carson
(I didn't realize how cool johnny carson was!)

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car."
-Carrie Snow

"Half of analysis is anal."
-Marty Indik

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice kitty" until you can find a rock."
-Will Rogers
(Sorry cat lovers!)

"Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean."
-Lawrence J. Peter

"When in doubt, duck."
-Malcolm Forbes

"She was what we used to call a suicide blonde-dyed by her own hand.
-Saul Bellow

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."
-Bill Lyon

"Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil."
-J. Paul Getty

"Cannibals aren't vegetarians, they're humanitarians."
-unknown

"When they asked George Washington for ID, he just took out a quarter."
-Steven Wright

Tell the truth and run.
-Yugoslavian Proverb

"Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes and its up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
-unknown

"Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger."
-Jack Handey

"The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that...sometimes I lose stuff."
-Jack Handey

"Something tells me that the first mouse trap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars."
-Jack Handey